I’ma open myself up a flea market
And you’re gonna wish that you did
Might retire on the profits
First off I’ma empty out all of my Mrs. Butterworth jars
I’ma put ‘em on a shelf with my 800 dollar a month tax free Century 21, shop
And then I am going to put my Mrs. Butterworth syrup jars on the shelf
Next to all the commemorative fast food chain glasses and cups I’ve accumulated over the past 62 years
Then I’m going to get some plywood I’m going to get some plywood and cut them up into two by two piece squares
Then I’m going to get some burlap and I’m going to cut them into two by two piece squares and then I’m going to put them onto the pieces of plywood
And then I’m going to go to the beach I’m going to go to the beach and I’m gonna collect some shells and driftwood
And then I’m gonna take the shells and driftwood and glue them onto the plywood and burlap
And sell ‘em for lots of money People will be paying top dollar for my kids new used new toys and clothing
Then maybe someday I can get rid of that piss stained mattress I’ve been sleeping on…
THE USED ft. @thesahand ;)
best night everrrrrrrrrrrr
How to correctly paint your nails. Enjoy.
1. Turn on the tap using your filthy hands.
2. Wash your filthy hands.
3. Turn off the filthy tap using your clean hands.
4. Repeat forever.
A single word that can answer ANY question.
(Johnny Knoxville, Paris Hilton, Justin Bieber)Celebrity Impersonations
Fuck All Mosquitos (in the bum)
croco-duck.
How To Kill A Baby
really, really, really short stories.
James runs towards train. Train leaves before James gets on. James is sad. James remembers he can fly. James flies to destination.
Matthew gets D in history. Matthew changes D to B. Matthew’s father is well happy. Matthew was dead all along.
Tom wants in Jessica’s pants. Jessica hates Tom. Tom grows beard. They live happily ever after.
Karl builds robot. Karl instructs robot to kill all humans. Karl forgets to tell robot not to kill Karl. Karl wasn’t so smart after all.
Fred climbs tree to save cat. Fred gets half way up the tree and gets tired. Fred climbs down and eats a sandwich. The sandwich was great.
Tim doesn’t eat vegetables as a kid. Tim grows older and gets into a bar fight. Tim is now a vegetable. His parents laugh at the irony.
Jordan eats and entire watermelon with the seeds. Months later, Jordan is constipated. A watermelon had grown in his stomach. Silly Jordan.
Stuff I like
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I GOT VULNERABLE IN THE MAIL TODAY!
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Getting ready for the Vulnerable release show at the Troubadour. Who’s coming out?
Order the... -
someone help me pleas e oMG i cant someone hold me omg theyre here 2 days early and signed omfG IM...
